Belittled Soul

" I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him."  

 Booker T. Washington

I loved that saying ever since I stumbled upon it with the nuggets of wisdom booklet, but sad as it may seem, my heart is full of hate. 

My soul has been belittled ever since I can remember. My memory is stretched that far. I cannot understand why YOU are always very critical of me. Your love for me has always been conditional. You can love me the way you want to if I am going to do what you want, if not, then I am nothing and I worth nothing for you to deserve that love and that hurts.

I want to say I love you no matter what, but that's not the case. I need to forgive YOU, but in order for me to do that, I need to forgive myself first for allowing you to hurt me, for letting you control over my life. 

This life of mine has been a constant struggle for power, and of control. This is MY LIFE and NOT yours to navigate wherever and whenever you wish.

I can understand little of what you want because I cannot bring myself to listen to YOU anymore. I know that you want to mean well. I would like to think of it that way. But the words that come out of your mouth doesn't heal me, they only create more wound and scars that are never concealed. 

I want to bring myself closer to you but your lashing words kept pushing me away. And I don't want that in my life anymore. I don't want that for my son either.

I have struggled and have come this far to turn back to that miserable life. On this day forward, I will let go of your demeaning ways towards me. You exist but will not be tolerated. The harder you push, the harder I will push back. 

I am me. If you cannot love me, then I will love myself. I am tired of being so hateful and angry and hurt all the time. I deserve something more. I do not need to do anything just to please you, I am no longer twelve. There is nothing to prove. Goodbye.

Highway to Hell

I am into my journey with no possible direction. Nothing seems to interest me, even living sounds dull and dying seems inviting.

Coming to America, I thought it would liberate me. What was I thinking? I have become a living prisoner. Prisoners are luckier than I am. They can have the free speech. That's the least that can be afforded to me. No back talks. They can insult me, criticize me, make fun of me and whatever it is they fancy, yet, they don't expect me to retaliate. BUT that is just isn't me.

I am a straightforward person, plain and simple. How can a person who taught me to tell the truth and say what is right is so angry for voicing out myself? That person can and will humiliate me when they want to, the way they want to but CANNOT, I say CANNOT accept me to tell the truth about them. It speaks volumes. I am a reflection of that person.

That person treats me like I am a stupid woman who is raising a son. That I do not know anything. That I cannot do anything. I know better, but my self-esteem right now is going downhill. Way too fast. I will not wonder if one day I might just believe that there is truth in what that person says about me.

Somehow being a nobody, with nothing on my name, well, maybe except my son, keeps ringing in my ears. Just like some song that you kept on hearing over and over again the whole day.