Wednesday, December 28, 2011

2011: What has been

Few days short before 2012, I took the time to look back of what has happened in my life in the year 2011. I can say it was quite a handful and not all of them pleasant.

For the year 2011;

- I almost died in C-Section,
- I delivered my son in this world on February.
- I experienced the postpartum depression, and boy it was depressing...IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!
- Being a first time mom, I got a little overwhelmed, overprotective, manic, tensed every time my baby cries, wakes and whatever. That resulted to my fake SIL's tantrum and whatnots. Delivering a deadly blow to my ego, crushing my person with her fake stories, did a text brigade to every single relative she has just to destroy me...
- We moved in a boarding room, my partner and I with our son
- Sunk down low into a really bad depression episode
- Started working in oDesk with a friend
- Missed a working opportunity in oDesk with a friend
- I realized that I am just a talentless person in this world who thinks that she is special
- My turn to wait has turned to wait, yet again...
- I lost friends, so-called friends, best friends this year all to undefined reasons
- I figured I can never really write anything good. In short I suck at it
- I started my micro business, until now it still is MICRO
- I realized that I have a good hand in keeping money stable, if I really focused on it (wink)
- I realized that I neglected myself too much; that I allowed other people to step on me and take me for granted
- I see myself alone (without a partner is what I'm saying) in the future, with my son perhaps, but not with someone intimate, I think that's not for me. 

The list could go on, maybe I'll add something from time to time if I remember them, but I'll make one thing for sure, everything will change when 2012 comes.


Friday, December 16, 2011

The Christmas Wish List

If I were younger, my list would have consisted of something different, something worldly and selfish. It is true what they say, when you age, your priorities change and so are your wants. I don't know where mine lies, if they're totally selfish or not, I just know that they are not the same ones I coveted years ago.

Here goes my wish list for Christmas;

1. Companionship. The last time I remember, I wanted people to leave me alone, I wanted to be happy alone. I wanted to do all fun things, alone. And guess what? They did left me alone. Now, I thirst for the company a large group of warm people could bring in my circle. I have my partner and my son, but it's just not enough.There is more that I crave that just being with people. I want the connection. The sense of belonging.

2. Communication. I entertain myself, mostly. Sure, I have a son, but he can't talk to me just yet in a level that he can understand. I need someone to connect myself to. To talk about anything and everything. I get a lot of small talks but no substance. There is so much that I need to tell, so many things that I need to share and many more that I need to learn but I have no one, and that is just sad.

3. Family. I am not talking about my own direct family. I have a son and a partner, yes. I am talking about everything extended apart from them. It would be wonderful knowing you are a part of a whole. I thought I already had that, only to have my bubbles burst. I realized that I was never part of that whole thing I was talking about, I am just a crumb that can be dusted off at the table anytime, all the time. My son, he is family to them, blood relations and such, me? Nada. I want to be near my real family. Something to remind me that I belong somewhere.

4. Friendship. I am tired of being holed up in the four corners of our room. Literally. My son probably feels the same. I want him to connect to other people. To be sociable. To be with his cousins and learn to make friends and not be in constant contact with inanimate objects.

I guess I could write down a hefty list, but what's on here is what's inside my heavy heart. It may be that it's too much to ask, but hey, I've read somewhere that what you put out into the universe will come back right at you, or something to that effect. Who knows, somebody might be listening and I might just get what I want this Christmas.

Friday, December 9, 2011

A kiss from a stranger




I was at the NBI in Central Luzon the other day. While waiting for my number to be called, I sat beside a petite woman who was very friendly. She's giving off a light vibe that would make you at ease immediately. Even I, who is a suspicious person was immediately felt a liking towards her.

We talked about common topics, starting with the common ground, the NBI documents, and before we knew it, she started talking about her family, and surprisingly, I even opened up about myself and my experiences. We shared good laughs. It feels like I have known her for a long time rather than a few hours.

When our numbers were called, we changed seats making us sit with different people, but still she turn towards me to ask if I was okay, then she proceeded with her usual self, talked to the lady seated beside her, and the lady responds to her the same way I did earlier!

I envied her friendliness and familiarity with people. It is one thing that I don't have with myself. To be that trusting and open. To be friendly and open to small talk or any talk for that matter.

When we were done with everything, I even waited on her after she got her clearance. She asked me if I wanted her to wait with me, I was waiting for my son's grandparents to arrive. I just told her that it's ok and said that she can go.

She said her goodbyes after we exchanged phone numbers, and then she kissed me goodbye, like I was an old friend.

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